Mental Health

Mental illness. It's a subject everyone seems to have an opinion on yet no one talks about it. Even the name, 'mental illness', is constantly being evaluated. That implies it can be cured, but can it? 

I have a lot of opinions about psychopathology and the stigmas attached, and I am hoping to address these in future posts. Perhaps I'll do a mental health series. So think of this as an introductory post, the beginning of a long journey..

I'm not really sure how or where to start but I guess I can begin by saying that I have recently been diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder. I could spend forever sharing my views on teenage mental health and how it isn't easy to tell people because of the stigma attached, particularly with depression and young people, but i think I'm just going to try my hardest to explain how the illness/disorder/*insert word of your preference here* feels to me. 

Depression is like a wall of gloom to me. Everyone has sunshine and rain because that's just life but I've built a wall of negative perceptions so high that I only see the sun through the cracks, which is what I call a good day. Other days I am stuck with a wall of sadness, anger and irritability in the rain. And it feels like I'll be stuck there forever, with no valid reason behind it all.

With my anxiety it is like everyone is waiting for me to embarrass myself and I can't escape their judging eyes whether I am in my own house or walking down the road or sitting around a table with my closest friends. I can't escape. When something goes wrong I feel my chest tighten and I start to lose control over my breathing. My palms sweat and my head is telling me run but my legs can't move. The worst part about this is that I took so long to get help because I felt guilty that I would be wasting everyone's time with my 'drama'.

I feel as if I am hardly myself anymore, there's always that nagging in the back of my mind even on the good days. I explained my illness to my friend like this:

There are three parts of my mind, the depression, anxiety and me. There are days I don't leave my house or speak to anyone or just cry for no reason, and these are the days I feel like the depression is the dominant thought in my mind. The other days when I do get out and get on with my responsibilities I find I am usually driven by the fear of falling behind and missing out and this is my anxiety controlling me. These days aren't what I'd call a 'lost day' though because they can end with a smile on my face, which is me.

I am fed up of my head being a battleground.

Something New, Something Good.

I tried. I tried so hard. I thought if I put on a smile and pretended to be happy then I would be happy in time, but time keeps on passing us all and not a thing has changed. I suppressed it all and created a nuclear weapon. When I breakdown I shatter, and the damage is always catastrophic.

The people closest to me are the ones that will get hit the hardest which is perhaps the reason the number of people close to me has always been minimal. The shrapnel that goes flying when I implode is devastating, I hate the pain I cause others.

I hate it when people I care about look at me with pain-filled eyes, with the pain I created, the pain I unleashed. I know they couldn't hate me quite as much as I hate myself but it still cuts deep to see that in the people I could never intentionally hurt.

But that's the problem, I don't intend to hurt anyone yet I do, time and time again. I'm the worst kind of pathetic. I am fed up of it. I am fed up of hurting and the heart-ache and the tears and the never-ending guilt.

I would do anything to fix the bullet holes I've left in the people around me but I think all I can do is fix myself. And I am trying, I really am. Please forgive me because I'm struggling to breath without you.

Short Piece of Creative Writing

She could feel the flood of tears about to fall from her eyes. She bit her lip and stared at her feet whilst she tried to make herself as small as possible, wrapping her arms around her body and hanging her head low. Her hair drooped across her face, creating a wall between herself and anyone else, 

'Don't cry, don't do it' She repeated the words to herself over and over, trying to steady her breathing in order to calm down.

But then he walked in.

Her heart-rate accelerated again but she instantly felt lighter, even though he had a concerned look on his face she felt as if she existed. She felt like she was no longer alone, no longer lonely. And it was at that point she realised it was just a moment, one she'd never capture again.

Panic

It's not a dark room, because the dark has always been comforting, it's an empty room with no light and no air. The walls are too close together although you can't see them, you can't even see yourself. There aren't any doors or windows. There aren't any escape routes. You aren't claustrophobic in a physical way, you're claustrophobic in a mental way, your mind needs space to try organise everything but here, in this room there is no space.

The silence is deafening, you can't hear a single sound other than your increasingly rapid breathing and the blood rushing through your body. The silence offers no distractions and you find yourself slipping further into the dark room. Is it even a room? It's more of a dungeon in your own mind, you're held captive there by your own thoughts.

Thoughts. Thousands of them, millions of them, rushing around your head at a zillion miles per hour, then all of a sudden they are right there, still miles away, but you can see them in the darkness. They're getting bigger, closer, no stopping them now. They head straight for you and you hold your breath, close your eyes, the drumming of your heart is surrounding you, taunting you.

Suddenly you're trapped in a glass cage completely submerged in water. You kick, you scream, you lose all sense of calm and rationality. You panic.

Make Believe

My mind will be the thing that kills me.

My mind is constantly whirring, thinking, predicting, fantasising and that is what will kill me. I can be trying to get to sleep at night and then start creating scenarios of what I will do. 

Pretty normal I suppose. 

Then I will replay that scenario a hundred times so incredibly detailed that I feel as if I have lived through it, I will then go through the scenario with different outcomes, different emotions, and I can dwell on it for days on end.
I find sleeping impossible when I get into that state, so far I have had almost 2 weeks of sleepless nights and days spent doing nothing but think. I read to escape my mind for a while but now I find that reading fuels my dramatic emotions, it heightens everything.

And I hate it. I hate how messy and scattered I am. I can't focus on conversations, and I'd rather spend my time in my head, in the perfect world I've imagined. It's pathetic I know but it's true.
You can't get hurt in a perfect world and it holds you together even if it's only for a short while.

So I think I'll stay there, in my mind, just long enough for the hurting to stop.

An Internal Blackhole

Do you ever get that feeling in your chest like there is a black-hole pulling everything in?

I've had the feeling a few times (although I experience a similar event when I am anxious), it's a burning feeling when your breathing becomes laboured, your head becomes cloudy and your eyes start to tear up. You want to scream but at the same time you want to curl up and sob your heart out.

Like I said, I've only had this feeling a few times:

Once because I was so frustrated with myself and my quick temper sent me into a whirlwind storm that could only end one way...badly.

Another time because I was so infuriated by the mistreatment and lack of justice for my friends but also because I was just as powerless to prevent the injustice as they were.

And the third time, the most recent, was because of someone I cared about very much. I'd never felt such a pain in my chest because of someone who was once more than a friend. I feel that everytime I look at them I am broken down a little bit more, I'm a little bit more empty and a little less human.

I'm mad at myself for having to be dependent on someone who doesn't bat an eyelid in my direction, I am mad for being dependent on someone else's happiness in order to be happy myself.

But really I am not angry at all, I'm just hurt.

A Dreamer, a Forest and a Shadow (rough piece of creative writing)

The moonlight was something out of a storybook, it flooded the dark trees with life and lit up the forest in a way that cannot possibly be put into words. It was magical, everything in that moment was, the look in his eyes and the light on his face, it was all incredibly dream-like but she knew it was only a matter of time before she had to wake up.

He was a dreamer, a dancer and that's what everyone saw but no one truly saw that he was her dreamer and her dancer, no one saw that he was the light that breathed life into her. You see she was a dark soul who lived in the shadows to hide her black and frosty heart from the world, she was once a girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and always had her head in the clouds but only he knew that. Only he knew that she refused to let herself be loved because she knew the inevitable feeling of being alone was always just a look, a word or an unspoken thought away. Only he knew that she watched her father slowly die from losing love, and only he knew that she was dying from a broken heart as well.

Yet he stayed with her in that moment, in that forest, in that hour. He stayed with her always and melted her dark thoughts away with his laugh. His laugh, it was something that often haunted her mind, it was so joyous and so unfamiliar to her. His laugh chased away the ghosts, it brought the hope to her eyes and the colour to her icy skin. 

But there was no laughter that evening, instead there was an abnormal silence in the usually spirited forest. And in that moment, like everything she knew, he was gone.

People

In this world there are many types of people but we narrow it down to just two, good people and bad people. As much as I'd love for it to be that simple it just doesn't seem to be true because in all good people there is some bad and in all bad people there is some good.

I am lucky, so incredibly lucky, to have the friends I have today. They are the exception to the rule of people being both good and bad. They are the best people you could possibly end up with in any scenario.

I have found the most beautiful people, they show me the world in a brighter perspective and as lame as it sounds it's 100% true. No one else can make me smile the way they do.

I have found the most loyal people, they have my back all the time and I trust them with my everything but they aren't oblivious enough to let me run, guns blazing into a fight that needn't be fought. They show me the other colours when all I see is red.

I have found the most thoughtful people, they sub-consciously make all their decisions with other people's feelings at heart, it comes naturally to them. I've never known them to make a settlement without thoroughly considering who their choices affect.

I have found the most passionate people, they put their everything into anything they do and it inspires me to be as strong and courageous as they are. The feeling you get from watching someone achieve their goals is brilliant and I love seeing them achieve so much.

I don't believe perfect exists, but if I had to define perfect I would simply give you their five names.

They are perfect.

Does It Really Count?

'Hey, how are you?'
'I'm here and I'm alive so I guess I'm good'

I've had this conversation a hundred times in the last week and it has got me thinking about everything to the extent of me losing sleep.

'I'm alive so I guess I'm good'

I've been saying this in my head and out loud for so long even I don't believe it anymore, I am alive but I feel dead I don't even cry to myself anymore, the only emotions I seem to feel are long-term pain and the occasional flicker of happiness - even though that feeling is only ever fleeting. I do stupid things like argue back for no reason or snap at people I love, I know I am pushing their buttons but I do it to feel closer to them because if we're fighting then the distance goes, even if it's only for a minute.

I've also found myself wanting to wander round the streets in the dark more often and with my headphones blaring so loud I can't hear myself think, it gives me time away from myself and it's dangerous which I guess is the whole appeal of it. 

When I am home alone for the evening I leave the doors and windows unlocked, I keep all the lights off and I just sit on the floor with my eyes closed waiting to drift off to a place of absolute darkness away from the chaos. It's peaceful but it's empty. It's stupid but it's calming. It's reckless but at least it's a feeling.

And this all has me thinking, just because we're alive does it mean we're okay? Does it really count?

Isolated Thoughts

We've all felt like we're losing control over something whether it's the amount of work we have to do or the horrendous traffic on the way out, but we all know that's just a part of life.

However, recently I have felt myself falling apart and feel completely powerless to stop it. I feel like screaming at the mirror one second but then I have to take it down the next to stop myself crying. It's not just my face that is tearing me down, it's the overwhelming number of thoughts I have when I am by myself and I've been spending a lot of time alone recently. I am isolating myself because I feel as if I bring people down when I'm around them, which is true - I do. But what I hate is that I try to keep my emotions hidden from people I care about but my poker face is far from good, then that makes me feel worse because people see right through me and end up getting sucked into the black-hole that is myself.

I've been down this road before and it was not pretty. A few years ago I was nervous about changes I was going through and sunk into myself. When I spend too much time with my thoughts they become dark, very dark, very quickly. I dug myself a hole, crawled into it and then buried myself alive. The worst part is that I see it happening again and I can already see the consequences of my actions, I am upset more than I am happy, I snap at people who love me very much and I conjure up random scenarios in my head and get hooked onto them. It's so unhealthy but I don't know how to find the door in this pitch black room. I don't know how to get out. I don't know how to save myself.

What Do You Do?

What do you do when your whole world is being destroyed by a black hole?
What do you do when you are the black hole?

It's tricky for me to make peace with myself, there is a war being constantly fought up in my head, and recently I have found myself fighting the same battle over and over and over...
When I am alone I think the silence amplifies my delirious ideas of the future which are then promptly shattered by his presence. I am a dreamer alone but in the company of another I am quite easily the most pessimistic realist there ever was, I am tough and I am dark but I also shut down my emotions. I struggle to open up around people (even when we're close) for some unknown reasons and recently all I've wanted is to let people see me for me but whenever I have that opportunity I retreat back into my shell. 

I want to be so much more than I am, but I kill the light of anything that gets too close.

Confliction

We all feel as though we are at conflict with ourselves at some point in our lives, whether it is rare or frequent occurrence. However recently I have felt more torn between thoughts than usual.

I always try to do whatever makes the most people happy and maybe that makes me a 'people-pleaser' but at the end of the day I feel better knowing that one less person is upset because of my choices. Although lately I've felt that whatever I do someone is getting hurt and it is really bringing me down because it goes against my nature.

I made the choice of short-term unhappiness for myself in order to indirectly provide long-term happiness for someone else but right now it just seems like I have just made myself miserable for no reason. I feel like if I go back on that choice I will end up making it again and will be stuck in that never ending loop, still unsatisfied.

The worst part is the never ending rally between my thoughts, back and forth and back and forth... It creeps up if you don't keep yourself occupied and even when you are busy the thoughts still cross your mind, distracting you from the task at hand which then sends you into that repetitive, downward spiral of 'I give up'.

Long story short, I am in constant conflict with myself and it has become both mentally and physically draining.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

'Comparison is the thief of joy' I love this quote, it is such a beautiful and powerful combination of words given to us by Theodore Roosevelt. I am quite the jealous type and I am very aware of it which in a way helps me improve upon that aspect of myself, but also makes me retreat into my shell so that other people wont notice my green-face of envy.

I do blame society entirely for this, we are conditioned to compete with everything and everyone, which is INSANE! We're taught to achieve the highest grades and we're taught to be disappointed if our results aren't 100%. We are not taught to love our strengths and we are not taught to love our differences. We are compared to one another as numbers and percentages not individuals; 'Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.' (Albert Einstein).

But I know it isn't just comparing grades that is a poison in our society, it's the obsession with being 'more attractive', whatever the hell that is. Our minds have been molded to think that we have to put others down to build ourselves up, we've been told that if we're not one person's preference we are nobody's. It is so wrong. It is so so wrong because 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder'.

What I'm trying to say is that comparing yourself to others does nothing but hurt you and the other person involved, so why do it?

Heartbreak

We've all heard the stories and probably experienced at least one heartbreak in our lifetimes. The problem is that we let ourselves get so emotionally mutilated by people we claim to love. Since I have recently decided that romance is completely over-rated I thought this blog post could be about rules I have set up for myself to prevent tears and over-indulging on ice cream. These rules aren't just for romantic relationships, they're useful in dealing with the ex-friend that has resurfaced to ruin you.

Rule 1.
Always cover up your sadness with a smile. If you show that you've been wounded then you'll only attract people who want to rip your wounds wide open and watch you crumble. They circle, in a fashion that resembles that of a pack of vultures, and they will beat you even when you're down.

Rule 2.
When in doubt, just get out. Don't sit around thinking and thinking about someone's loyalty to you, if they were loyal you wouldn't be questioning it. You know what they say, you don't get smoke without flames, and honestly that has never been proved wrong in my experience.

Rule 3.
Kill them with kindness. The best way to out someone for the monster you've discovered they are, is to simply ignore their spitefulness and let everyone else discover how cruel they are. If you let their comments slide over your back then you can be free, which leads me to the final rule for today's post...

Rule 4.
Be invincible. Be a rock. You are not what they say, you are what you do.

The 'New' Year

So, it's 2015. 
A new year, a new you, a new opportunity to build yourself up probably only to crumble back down. We all make resolutions (whether we stick to them or not is a different story) but this year I decided to not make a resolution.

There are many reasons why I should, for one I am an incredibly flawed human-being and probably ought to make myself more bearable to those around me, but I only have one reason as to why not.
I don't think I need to change myself for the benefit of people who do not care about me. Simple as that. I will work on aspects of myself but I feel that it is only fair if I do that  in my own time, when I feel ready.

I don't like being pressured into things and usually I will completely rebel against it, not because I am some arsey teenager with an attitude problem but simply because I don't like feeling trapped. That's a topic I may get into when I feel we are better acquainted *Insert awkward laughter here*.

As for now, enjoy your new year and I hope you enjoy my ramblings (I promise they will get interesting..eventually...), as for now, have a very Happy New Year.