Mental Health

Mental illness. It's a subject everyone seems to have an opinion on yet no one talks about it. Even the name, 'mental illness', is constantly being evaluated. That implies it can be cured, but can it? 

I have a lot of opinions about psychopathology and the stigmas attached, and I am hoping to address these in future posts. Perhaps I'll do a mental health series. So think of this as an introductory post, the beginning of a long journey..

I'm not really sure how or where to start but I guess I can begin by saying that I have recently been diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder. I could spend forever sharing my views on teenage mental health and how it isn't easy to tell people because of the stigma attached, particularly with depression and young people, but i think I'm just going to try my hardest to explain how the illness/disorder/*insert word of your preference here* feels to me. 

Depression is like a wall of gloom to me. Everyone has sunshine and rain because that's just life but I've built a wall of negative perceptions so high that I only see the sun through the cracks, which is what I call a good day. Other days I am stuck with a wall of sadness, anger and irritability in the rain. And it feels like I'll be stuck there forever, with no valid reason behind it all.

With my anxiety it is like everyone is waiting for me to embarrass myself and I can't escape their judging eyes whether I am in my own house or walking down the road or sitting around a table with my closest friends. I can't escape. When something goes wrong I feel my chest tighten and I start to lose control over my breathing. My palms sweat and my head is telling me run but my legs can't move. The worst part about this is that I took so long to get help because I felt guilty that I would be wasting everyone's time with my 'drama'.

I feel as if I am hardly myself anymore, there's always that nagging in the back of my mind even on the good days. I explained my illness to my friend like this:

There are three parts of my mind, the depression, anxiety and me. There are days I don't leave my house or speak to anyone or just cry for no reason, and these are the days I feel like the depression is the dominant thought in my mind. The other days when I do get out and get on with my responsibilities I find I am usually driven by the fear of falling behind and missing out and this is my anxiety controlling me. These days aren't what I'd call a 'lost day' though because they can end with a smile on my face, which is me.

I am fed up of my head being a battleground.