An Internal Blackhole

Do you ever get that feeling in your chest like there is a black-hole pulling everything in?

I've had the feeling a few times (although I experience a similar event when I am anxious), it's a burning feeling when your breathing becomes laboured, your head becomes cloudy and your eyes start to tear up. You want to scream but at the same time you want to curl up and sob your heart out.

Like I said, I've only had this feeling a few times:

Once because I was so frustrated with myself and my quick temper sent me into a whirlwind storm that could only end one way...badly.

Another time because I was so infuriated by the mistreatment and lack of justice for my friends but also because I was just as powerless to prevent the injustice as they were.

And the third time, the most recent, was because of someone I cared about very much. I'd never felt such a pain in my chest because of someone who was once more than a friend. I feel that everytime I look at them I am broken down a little bit more, I'm a little bit more empty and a little less human.

I'm mad at myself for having to be dependent on someone who doesn't bat an eyelid in my direction, I am mad for being dependent on someone else's happiness in order to be happy myself.

But really I am not angry at all, I'm just hurt.

A Dreamer, a Forest and a Shadow (rough piece of creative writing)

The moonlight was something out of a storybook, it flooded the dark trees with life and lit up the forest in a way that cannot possibly be put into words. It was magical, everything in that moment was, the look in his eyes and the light on his face, it was all incredibly dream-like but she knew it was only a matter of time before she had to wake up.

He was a dreamer, a dancer and that's what everyone saw but no one truly saw that he was her dreamer and her dancer, no one saw that he was the light that breathed life into her. You see she was a dark soul who lived in the shadows to hide her black and frosty heart from the world, she was once a girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and always had her head in the clouds but only he knew that. Only he knew that she refused to let herself be loved because she knew the inevitable feeling of being alone was always just a look, a word or an unspoken thought away. Only he knew that she watched her father slowly die from losing love, and only he knew that she was dying from a broken heart as well.

Yet he stayed with her in that moment, in that forest, in that hour. He stayed with her always and melted her dark thoughts away with his laugh. His laugh, it was something that often haunted her mind, it was so joyous and so unfamiliar to her. His laugh chased away the ghosts, it brought the hope to her eyes and the colour to her icy skin. 

But there was no laughter that evening, instead there was an abnormal silence in the usually spirited forest. And in that moment, like everything she knew, he was gone.