Does It Really Count?

'Hey, how are you?'
'I'm here and I'm alive so I guess I'm good'

I've had this conversation a hundred times in the last week and it has got me thinking about everything to the extent of me losing sleep.

'I'm alive so I guess I'm good'

I've been saying this in my head and out loud for so long even I don't believe it anymore, I am alive but I feel dead I don't even cry to myself anymore, the only emotions I seem to feel are long-term pain and the occasional flicker of happiness - even though that feeling is only ever fleeting. I do stupid things like argue back for no reason or snap at people I love, I know I am pushing their buttons but I do it to feel closer to them because if we're fighting then the distance goes, even if it's only for a minute.

I've also found myself wanting to wander round the streets in the dark more often and with my headphones blaring so loud I can't hear myself think, it gives me time away from myself and it's dangerous which I guess is the whole appeal of it. 

When I am home alone for the evening I leave the doors and windows unlocked, I keep all the lights off and I just sit on the floor with my eyes closed waiting to drift off to a place of absolute darkness away from the chaos. It's peaceful but it's empty. It's stupid but it's calming. It's reckless but at least it's a feeling.

And this all has me thinking, just because we're alive does it mean we're okay? Does it really count?

Isolated Thoughts

We've all felt like we're losing control over something whether it's the amount of work we have to do or the horrendous traffic on the way out, but we all know that's just a part of life.

However, recently I have felt myself falling apart and feel completely powerless to stop it. I feel like screaming at the mirror one second but then I have to take it down the next to stop myself crying. It's not just my face that is tearing me down, it's the overwhelming number of thoughts I have when I am by myself and I've been spending a lot of time alone recently. I am isolating myself because I feel as if I bring people down when I'm around them, which is true - I do. But what I hate is that I try to keep my emotions hidden from people I care about but my poker face is far from good, then that makes me feel worse because people see right through me and end up getting sucked into the black-hole that is myself.

I've been down this road before and it was not pretty. A few years ago I was nervous about changes I was going through and sunk into myself. When I spend too much time with my thoughts they become dark, very dark, very quickly. I dug myself a hole, crawled into it and then buried myself alive. The worst part is that I see it happening again and I can already see the consequences of my actions, I am upset more than I am happy, I snap at people who love me very much and I conjure up random scenarios in my head and get hooked onto them. It's so unhealthy but I don't know how to find the door in this pitch black room. I don't know how to get out. I don't know how to save myself.