However, recently I have felt myself falling apart and feel completely powerless to stop it. I feel like screaming at the mirror one second but then I have to take it down the next to stop myself crying. It's not just my face that is tearing me down, it's the overwhelming number of thoughts I have when I am by myself and I've been spending a lot of time alone recently. I am isolating myself because I feel as if I bring people down when I'm around them, which is true - I do. But what I hate is that I try to keep my emotions hidden from people I care about but my poker face is far from good, then that makes me feel worse because people see right through me and end up getting sucked into the black-hole that is myself.
I've been down this road before and it was not pretty. A few years ago I was nervous about changes I was going through and sunk into myself. When I spend too much time with my thoughts they become dark, very dark, very quickly. I dug myself a hole, crawled into it and then buried myself alive. The worst part is that I see it happening again and I can already see the consequences of my actions, I am upset more than I am happy, I snap at people who love me very much and I conjure up random scenarios in my head and get hooked onto them. It's so unhealthy but I don't know how to find the door in this pitch black room. I don't know how to get out. I don't know how to save myself.
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