Does It Really Count?

'Hey, how are you?'
'I'm here and I'm alive so I guess I'm good'

I've had this conversation a hundred times in the last week and it has got me thinking about everything to the extent of me losing sleep.

'I'm alive so I guess I'm good'

I've been saying this in my head and out loud for so long even I don't believe it anymore, I am alive but I feel dead I don't even cry to myself anymore, the only emotions I seem to feel are long-term pain and the occasional flicker of happiness - even though that feeling is only ever fleeting. I do stupid things like argue back for no reason or snap at people I love, I know I am pushing their buttons but I do it to feel closer to them because if we're fighting then the distance goes, even if it's only for a minute.

I've also found myself wanting to wander round the streets in the dark more often and with my headphones blaring so loud I can't hear myself think, it gives me time away from myself and it's dangerous which I guess is the whole appeal of it. 

When I am home alone for the evening I leave the doors and windows unlocked, I keep all the lights off and I just sit on the floor with my eyes closed waiting to drift off to a place of absolute darkness away from the chaos. It's peaceful but it's empty. It's stupid but it's calming. It's reckless but at least it's a feeling.

And this all has me thinking, just because we're alive does it mean we're okay? Does it really count?