I tried. I tried so hard. I thought if I put on a smile and pretended to be happy then I would be happy in time, but time keeps on passing us all and not a thing has changed. I suppressed it all and created a nuclear weapon. When I breakdown I shatter, and the damage is always catastrophic.
The people closest to me are the ones that will get hit the hardest which is perhaps the reason the number of people close to me has always been minimal. The shrapnel that goes flying when I implode is devastating, I hate the pain I cause others.
I hate it when people I care about look at me with pain-filled eyes, with the pain I created, the pain I unleashed. I know they couldn't hate me quite as much as I hate myself but it still cuts deep to see that in the people I could never intentionally hurt.
But that's the problem, I don't intend to hurt anyone yet I do, time and time again. I'm the worst kind of pathetic. I am fed up of it. I am fed up of hurting and the heart-ache and the tears and the never-ending guilt.
I would do anything to fix the bullet holes I've left in the people around me but I think all I can do is fix myself. And I am trying, I really am. Please forgive me because I'm struggling to breath without you.
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